my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize