Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
