a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
