you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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