i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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