Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he thought i was a dude.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
