we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
