well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize