I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
