My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Too much gin, very little bucket
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
