Whod you bang
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
