Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
