I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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