I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize