You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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