i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My ass is underappreciated
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
