I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
