i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
