i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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