so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
