She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
