Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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