the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
