I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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