he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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