Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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