I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
