he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
