It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
