is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
her vagine was all disorganized.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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