Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
