i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
