Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
