even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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