Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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