I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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