K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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