just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
