I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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