I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
