do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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