I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
