i always forget guys have bellybuttons
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
