I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
