I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
