I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Congratulations! We have a period
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
