I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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