If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
