You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
