It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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