Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I supernannyed him into submission
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