I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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