dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
