He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
