Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
