We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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