all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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