I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
